Standing on the shore of the Grand River in Lansing, Michigan, I cried out to my Heavenly Father asking for relief from the pain ripping out my gut. As I wept, I screamed, accused in anger, claimed Bible verses that speak of His healing power and then I fell silent. It was in the midst of that silence that I heard His whisper in my wounded heart—“give me this.” Just as He spoke to Moses on Mt. Sinai (Exodus 33:12-23), and Elijah at the entrance of the cave (I Kings 19:12). Oh, I didn’t hear His voice audibly, yet, I knew what He was asking and just as Moses and Elijah were frightened, I too understood that this was a defining moment for my spiritual journey and I was petrified.
What did it mean—give my heart to Him? How could He love me? I had so messed up! I had hurt others and hurt myself? Yet, the Lord says, “O my son, give me your heart. May your eyes delight in my ways of wisdom.” (Proverbs 23:26). If the Lord wanted my heart, I realized I had to figure out what was in my heart before I could give it to Him. So began a journey on discovering my heart.
Getting comfortable enough to give God my heart began with getting comfortable with love. After all, we were created in God’s image and God is love. Being uncomfortable with love would mean that I was uncomfortable with myself (no secret there—I didn’t like times alone, but preferred always being in the presence of others). I recognized that all of this began in my heart where I did not truly believe I was lovable and therefore, I found it hard to receive God’s gift of unmerited love and favor.
Being intimate with my heart meant that I had to be authentic with me—transparent about my emotions, fears, mistakes and successes. Sometimes it was easy to believe the negative about myself than to believe good attributes. So, I had to be honest about the good aspects of my life, my character, and abilities as well as acknowledging the mistakes and negative parts of my life. That was the beginning.
I spent a lot of time in prayer. First, I asked God to open my heart so I could examine it. Then, I prayed that He would give me the courage and the strength to lay at the foot of the cross all that I found in my examination. Finally, I asked to be a new creation in Him, just as He promises is available in II Corinthians 5:17, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life is begun!” I wanted that new life free of baggage and weakness. I wanted to be whole.
The journey wasn’t easy, but God protected me and my heart as I peeled away each layer of pain until I was able to expose the beauty within. For each of us willing to be courageous enough to allow Him to hold our heart, we will find that He holds it with merciful tenderness. No one holds a fragile heart like Jesus. I pray each of you will experience the intimacy of His touch today.
Thank you Lord for giving to me a new life so rich and free. Amen.
